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#401 slots

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Posted 28 August 2009 - 10:36 PM

FUNNYYYY! :yellowbounce: :purplebounce: :lbluebounce: :bluebounce: :huh2: :clap: :cry: Is the court case true though?
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#402 Ember

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Posted 28 August 2009 - 11:18 PM

:purplebounce::yellowbounce::lbluebounce:
Why are fart gags always so damned funny?
Until you're caught in the middle of them that is.
Computers. They'll never catch on.

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#403 itelectrical

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Posted 30 August 2009 - 12:01 AM

Awesome !!!
I assume this was originally written by an ancestor of Vinno or Gazza
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#404 tooter

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Posted 30 August 2009 - 12:39 AM

Very very funny. :lol: ;) Hope its all true as Bunnings gives me the shits too. :lol:

#405 Count

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Posted 30 August 2009 - 10:51 AM

So good of you old chap to keep us informed of your movements!

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#406 3ofus

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Posted 01 September 2009 - 11:54 PM

thank you so much i haven't had a good laugh :lol: like that for a long time , also something i can relate to quite well :lol: :lol: !!!!!
winning is so over-rated

#407 SlotsNZ

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Posted 02 September 2009 - 01:09 AM

The shopping bit made me think of this one

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to K Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's rest-room.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.
One of the clerks passed out.
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#408 SlotsNZ

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Posted 02 September 2009 - 01:17 AM

Aunt Karen

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

I keep thinking, who do we know who might be aunt Karen.....
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#409 gazza

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Posted 12 December 2009 - 05:03 AM

Just in time for Xmas .....

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Quickly read this post before it is deleted or i turn grey again

Gary

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#410 gazza

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 07:47 PM

Santa Math .....

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces
the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378
million (according to the population reference bureau). Assuming an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that computes
to 108 million homes - presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This
is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has
around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
jump into the sleigh, and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of
these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of
course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our
calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household. This
amounts to a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4miles per
second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles
per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons,
not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no
more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying"
reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with
eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another
54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles
per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up
the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in
their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth
house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be
subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and
reducing him to a dribbling mess of twitching innards.

Therefore, if Santa ever did exist, he's dead now.
Quickly read this post before it is deleted or i turn grey again

Gary

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#411 lavenlaar

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 08:15 PM

Thats a good one ! But beat this
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Just received today in the mail.... hmmmmm write a chq for $0 ????

#412 Ember

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 10:10 PM

I received one from Telstra some years ago exactly the same. The thing is, writing a cheque for $0.00 costs you money, not to mention the stamp. The cost of the cheque of course varies according to which bank you actually use. You could try paying by credit card, but there is also a surcharge for that these days.

Isn't bureaucracy a marvellous invention?
Computers. They'll never catch on.

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#413 slo1quick

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Posted 23 December 2009 - 10:23 PM

View Postgazza, on Dec 23 2009, 08:47 PM, said:

Santa Math .....

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces
the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378
million (according to the population reference bureau). Assuming an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that computes
to 108 million homes - presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This
is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has
around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
jump into the sleigh, and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of
these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of
course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our
calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household. This
amounts to a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the
speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4miles per
second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles
per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons,
not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no
more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying"
reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with
eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another
54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles
per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up
the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's
atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per
second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in
their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth
house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of
accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be
subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and
reducing him to a dribbling mess of twitching innards.

Therefore, if Santa ever did exist, he's dead now.

Really ?! Wow man.
I heard a rumour that St. Nick was a bit of a prick ...no wonder !
Merry xmas evri 1 !
"Me Auntie's a Jack !!!"

#414 gazza

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Posted 24 December 2010 - 06:56 PM

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.


“Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder”


This is how it manifests itself:


I decide to water my garden.


As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.


As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I’d picked up from the postman earlier.


I decide to go through it before I wash the car.


I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.


So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.


But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.


I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.


My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.


I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.


The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.


As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.


I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.


I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.


I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.


I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.


Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:


The car isn't washed;


The bills aren't paid;


There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface;


The flowers don't have enough water;


There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book;


I can't find the remote;


I can't find my glasses;


And I don't remember what I did with the car keys!


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.


I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....


Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.


And don't laugh... if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Quickly read this post before it is deleted or i turn grey again

Gary

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#415 kalbfellp

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Posted 25 December 2010 - 07:46 AM

Bloody hell! You fill in your day just like I do!

This must be contagious!

#416 gazza

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Posted 08 March 2012 - 12:07 PM

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

Quickly read this post before it is deleted or i turn grey again

Gary

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#417 gazza

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Posted 08 March 2012 - 12:21 PM

From Classic to scrap, just add a "FAD"

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The "FAD"
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It was also a 2fa

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Quickly read this post before it is deleted or i turn grey again

Gary

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#418 neil

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Posted 08 March 2012 - 01:11 PM

poor lady,,,,,looks as though she has hurt her wrist??

#419 slots

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Posted 08 March 2012 - 05:39 PM

At least the rod's fixable.Don't fancy her chances of compo though. :unsure:
Stu

Old racers race harder

#420 Graham Lane

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 09:14 AM

This truck went through the barrier on the right where the people are standing and landed on the left.

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Now look from a bit further away

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Lucky or what?
Click here to see my track

I think more about slot cars now than I did about sex when I was sixteen.

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...this is the BIG one!
3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th October 2013
Castello delle Forme, Umbria, Italy





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