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Zen Sarcasm


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#1 Graham Lane

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 01:11 PM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone €20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .
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#2 SlotsNZ

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 02:23 PM

so THAT'S what's been wrong with the world all these years.....

zaphod and ford did try to explain something about this, but I was still trying to digest that other pearl of wisdom.

"when you are neck deep in crocodiles, it becomes difficult to remember that your main aim was to drain the swamp"
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#3 Mexico 2000

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 03:46 PM

Maybe it's time for a little ...........



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#4 Graham Lane

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Posted 11 June 2012 - 07:50 PM

Carrot tea anyone?
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...this is the BIG one!
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#5 SlotsNZ

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 02:39 PM

View PostGraham Lane, on 11 June 2012 - 07:50 PM, said:

Carrot tea anyone?

that's IT . . . my terror of carrot tea arises . . . I think we shall have to cancel our intended sojourn in umbria.....

now take that nasty brew back mr lane and give it a short burial - in a deep grave.... unmarked . . . . and repeat after me . . . the word of the day is SHIRAZ . . . . S H I R A Z . . or something straw yellow, with a bit of fruit, and smell of distant flowers.... and enough residual sugar to remind the lips and nose that it was harvested on a splendid early autumn day and the grapes were looking as wrinkled as the old lady with the basket on her back under the setting umbrian sun....
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#6 Graham Lane

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Posted 12 June 2012 - 10:12 PM

I thought carrot tea was infinitely funnier than Jew Jitsu. There we go. I'm in trouble again.
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I think more about slot cars now than I did about sex when I was sixteen.

Posted Image incorporating the Italian round of Posted Image
...this is the BIG one!
3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th October 2013
Castello delle Forme, Umbria, Italy

#7 Mexico 2000

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 12:13 PM

Maybe some peaceful music......
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#8 Graham Lane

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 04:23 PM

Chaos. One of the guys at the back is getting up to leave. He's had enough of the inflated egos of conductors.
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I think more about slot cars now than I did about sex when I was sixteen.

Posted Image incorporating the Italian round of Posted Image
...this is the BIG one!
3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th October 2013
Castello delle Forme, Umbria, Italy

#9 slots

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Posted 13 June 2012 - 08:01 PM

I shall quote the warehouse managers prayer

Oh Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can't and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those that p¡§§ me OFF!
Stu

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#10 Mexico 2000

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Posted 14 June 2012 - 10:40 AM

You reap what you sow ..........


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